I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
