i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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