I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
