I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
