The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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