There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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