So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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