I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
