He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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