they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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