I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I am one with the molecules
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
This toilet bowl is my home.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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