I don't remember. Are we still dating?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
