nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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