I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
