The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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