tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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