A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
sex in a hospital.. check
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
