i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
