my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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