i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
