there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
A bitchslap is in order.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
