Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
