This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
