I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize