Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
