he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
