ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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