I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize