Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
