I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
