New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
