Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
