I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
