i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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