the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
