Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
