Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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