yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
