You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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