So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
