SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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