i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I need a beard to bite.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
