all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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