that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize