I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
