I think i peed on brittanys purse
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
