I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i've created a new STD.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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