You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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