I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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