I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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