we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Houston, we have a blender
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
