I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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