she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
