Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
