Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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