i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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