I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
