I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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