I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
