I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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