you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
