don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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