i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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