It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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