Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
