Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
