but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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