she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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