i already hear my dad disowning me
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
